Hands off That Penis! [Or: What the Penis Puppeteers Want You to Do With Your Penis]
By Stephan Orwell Presented By Brian Nguyen, for THECOMMENTARY.CA
Thursday, 18 May 2006
Foreword:
Recently, Joseph asked me to write a review for 'Puppetry of the Penis', which was being shown at Vancouver's Centre for the Performing Arts. Naturally, I agreed, and convinced him to let me do an interview with the performers as well. The interview went blissfully and can be found elsewhere on this website. Unfortunately, before I could complete my review, I was torn in half by my overenthusiastic Commentary associate Stephan Orwell. After much deliberation, Joseph and I have decided to show you the frightening narrative that Stephan wrote after seeing the show. Enjoy!
Yours,
Brian.
"Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey." - The Beatles
I have a penis. And up until a few days ago, I thought I knew how to use it. You see, it was a bright day in Lexington, and I was settling down to my usual cup of midday tea when the newspaper boy hopped in through the window and announced, "Telegram for Mr. Orwell!"
Immediately I dropped my cup and accosted the newspaper boy. Seizing the telegram from his frightened hands, I began to read: 'PENIS PUPPETRY IN VANCOUVER STOP PLEASE INVESTIGATE AND WRITE REPORT STOP WILL PAY HANDSUM SOME JOSEPH STOP'.
Being careful lest the telegram explode in my hands, I handed it back and allowed the newspaper boy to exit via the window again. Having never heard of this 'penis puppetry', I turned to my only relevant tome on the subject: the 'Encyclopaedia Erotica'. The only entry I could find stated thus:
Penis Puppetry: the use of the penis and scrotum to recreate everyday objects in a humorous-and usually non-sexual- manner. Popularized by Australians Simon Morley and David "Friendy" Friend in their stage show 'Puppetry of the Penis', although the use of the male genitals in such a manner dates back to at least 1857, when a drunken actor used his penis to recreate the entire works of Shakespeare. Also known humorously as 'genital origami' or as 'dick tricks'. Well-known penis shapes include:
The Hamburger
The Hot Dog
The Other Woman
The Turtle
See also: bum puppets, breast puppetry
Dropping both the book and my pants, I looked down at my penis in shock. "You've been keeping secrets from me!" I shouted.
Herman, my ever-rebellious penis, merely shrugged at my accusation. "Don't be ridiculous," he replied. "I took you to see penis puppetry all the time while you were attending that third-rate university. You were just piss drunk all the time."
I retrieved my fallen breeches, with Herman protesting his continuing imprisonment. I had no time to argue. I was off to Vancouver.
I arrived earlier this morning hidden in a large cardboard box marked 'Very Important Props for Penis Show'. After being taken into the venue- the Vancouver Centre for the Performing Arts, if I recall correctly- I began to hear the sound of a titanium crowbar smashing against one side of the box. Herman and I steeled ourselves for the ensuing battle. Slowly, an opening revealed itself on one side. I leaped out, surprising a burly man with a small goatee covering his enormous chin.
"Are you the new pre-show fluffer?" he asked in confusion.
Instead of answering, I rendered him unconscious with a devastating judo toss through the air. I found myself caught in a cavernous maze of well-lit hallways. After spending an hour wandering aimlessly around and engaging in pointless battles with anyone who discovered me, I came across a room labelled in blue crayon: 'VIP: Penis Puppeteers'. Placing my ear gently against the door, I could make out two unfamiliar voices, and one that I recognized. My fellow Commentary compatriot Brian was engaged in an interview with the two puppeteers! Had Joseph ordered him to distract them while I searched the building? Listening intently, I learned the names of the other two speakers: Daniel and Joey. So the original puppeteers weren't here! What did this mean? Were they trying to expand their operations while cementing their nefarious power in Australia? Or were they simply innocent men trying to make more money?
After approximately thirteen minutes and sixteen seconds, the interview ended. Brian, feigning confusion about the ridiculous layout of the building, had the two puppeteers lead him outside. I used the opportunity to sneak into the room and rummage through their belongings. I found nothing hinting at malicious intent, save for Joey's contacts, which may have contained cybernetic implants. I confiscated them and left an inferior pair in their place. Slipping back outside, I hid behind a corner and watched the two men return to the room.
The next hour was spent again sneaking through the halls, until I at last discovered the theatre where the show would take place. Hiding myself beneath a seat near the front row, I hoped to escape discovery from any enthusiastic ushers or stagehands. My wait was not long: after thirty minutes, a throng of cheery-eyed women began filing from the mezzanine. I took my seat inconspicuously, and found myself between a squinting senior with dyed black hair and her twenty-something son. He glanced at me nervously and quickly looked away.
After a quick search, I found Brian seated several rows behind me. I waved my hands and wiggled my elbows several times in the air- a form of covert communication taught to us by Joseph- to indicate all was well and that I had found nothing dangerous. He nodded and waved his feet in a manner completely alien to anything Joseph had ever shown me. I shrugged and turned back.
The lights dimmed. The show was beginning.
It wasn't until forty minutes had passed that my mind began to comprehend the true machinations of the penis puppeteers who stood before me on stage. In that span of time, I had watched these men squeeze and shape their genitals into a variety of animals and objects. Oh, certainly, as I watched Daniel squeeze his testicles between his rear and then proceed to run up and down through the rows of chortling females whilst Joey pleaded with him to stop- certainly, I had an inkling that something was not quite right with the world. But it wasn't until I had the pleasure of seeing both gentlemen squeezing their penises between their scrotums- causing their genitals to resemble badly cooked hot dogs- that their tapestry of evil began to unravel. Around me, women squealed with delight. Some were drunk, some were excited, and all seemed to be enjoying themselves. A man seated directly ahead was laughing so hard he had to bury himself in the bare shoulder of his delighted companion. I was the only one who saw through them.
Let me explain, O sceptical reader! We live in a world where a man's penis- and by extension, his usefulness- is judged by three very simple criteria: size, health, and sexual performance. Unbeknownst to those of the female persuasion, we males devote a great deal of time to the exploration and the study of our penises. Penis literature passes in secrecy through the hands of one male to another, so that all may learn how to best use their penises. In such a way do we males help maintain order and morality in our society.
What I saw from Joey and Daniel was nothing more than a blatant attempt to completely disrupt our penile paradigms. By touring around the world, these men would use their tricks to engender a new sense of irreverence for the penis within our society. No one would respect the old ways anymore. Enraged lovers would demand new and increasingly difficult shapes from the penises of their confused and frightened men. And these men would, in turn, flock to the ones in control of this new revolution: the penis puppeteers. In such a manner would these puppeteers soon control the minds and the penises of men everywhere!
So you see, it was all so obvious. And as I watched Joey stretching his scrotum wide on a skateboard, I knew I had to get my message to Joseph before it was too late. Grabbing Herman- who had heretofore been watching the entire show with rapturous approval- I rushed out of the theatre.
I had to save the penises from these puppeteers.
"Wait up!"
I turned. Brian was hurrying towards me, as quickly as his minuscule legs could carry him. When at last he was within a distance at which he needed to crane his neck upwards to speak with me, I outlined my discovery while watching the show.
But they had already gotten to him. "Dude, it's just a comedy featuring two guys on stage playing with their penises," he said. "I don't think you can look more deeply than that. Personally, I thought it was pretty funny. The only thing I didn't like is that some of the dialogue was a little flat and should have been more witty. They should have had their pre-show comedian introducing some of the tricks; she would have been funnier."
"Don't you see? Penis puppetry threatens over two thousand years of established male tradition!" I shouted.
"By doing what?" he asked. Making men practice penis puppetry to impress their lovers? Wouldn't that add to the established traditions? Besides, most dick tricks are pretty easy to do once you've learned them. And if you're having trouble learning a trick, just purchase Simon Morley's brilliant addition to penis literature: 'Puppetry of the Penis: The Ancient Art of Genital Origami'!"
He held up a new paperback that he had undoubtedly purchased immediately after the show. I realized that I would have no alternative but to kill him. Grabbing him with both hands, I tore him in half and continued running back to my hotel room.
It is midnight. I have spent the last few days working furiously on my report for Joseph. I fell asleep this afternoon and dreamed I was surrounded by giant penises. They were laughing at me. "Too late! Too late!" they chanted, and began twisting themselves, until at last, they were no longer penises: they were hot dogs.
My screams resounded through the floors of this hotel until, at last, Herman succeeded in waking me with a splash of cold water. I have not allowed myself to fall asleep since that hideous nightmare. I can only pray that my report reaches Joseph in time. The world must be warned.
Hello. My name is Herman, and I am a penis. Specifically, I am the penis attached to the writer of the ridiculous narrative that you have just read. I am writing this- completely unbeknownst to my companion- to beg, plead, BESEECH you to disregard all which you have just read.
There is nothing that makes me more proud than seeing my fellow penises finally getting a chance to display their talents to the world. For years, we penises have been ignored by mainstream audiences- generally being reduced to stereotypical roles in low-budget films. I see 'Puppetry of the Penis' as a vehicle for us to show the world that yes, we CAN do other things!
The common critic may say that the dialogue is flat. This is not our fault. We do not speak for our human companions. Give us a chance to speak for ourselves and we will show you how funny we truly are.
The common critic may say 'Puppetry of the Penis' is not art. I disagree. We may perform the same tricks over and over, but have not the same lines of Shakespeare amused audiences for centuries? We may not strike the same range of emotions, but again, I can only blame our human companions. Given the freedom to show our full range, we penises will show you tricks that will move your soul.
'Puppetry of the Penis' is only the beginning. I see Broadway musicals. Leading roles in the latest action movies. Commercials for the Super Bowl. And one day, perhaps even high-ranking positions in politics! The sky's the limit! But only if you give us a chance. Please support penises of the world and let this show continue.
Additional Notes:
1) To see sample footage from 'Puppetry of the Penis', check out http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2461843
Warning: There is full-frontal nudity!
2) The paperback and the DVD editions of 'Puppetry of the Penis: The Ancient Art of Origami' can be ordered online via Amazon.com. From the same site, you can also purchase the DVD 'Tackle Happy: The Origins of Puppetry of the Penis', which follows Simon Morley and David Friend as they tour across Australia.
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