01 April 2004
State of the Union: An April Fools Edition - THE COMMENTARY
By Brian Nguyen
"The king is dead- long live the king!"
It was only eight months ago that Joseph Planta took a struggling young writer who was eating corn out of a can under his wing and invited him to write for TheCommentary.ca . Unfortunately, that writer was soon arrested for armed robbery, and so, desperate to find a replacement, Joseph approached an old friend - namely me.
"Brian, I'm in deep trouble," said Joseph while wringing his hands nervously. "I've been telling everyone about a brilliant new writer who was set to pull off some stunning Pulitzers for my website. But he's been arrested and it wouldn't be very good PR if I let him continue working for me. I need someone to replace him- someone who can pen equally brilliant pieces! Can you be that person?" He looked at me with sad, open eyes, and trembling lips.
"Aw, crud, no!" I exclaimed. "But if you want, I'll write some utterly nonsensical pieces which you can promote as being ingenious satires on contemporary literature."
He shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers. It's a deal." I'm still not sure if he realized what he was getting himself into. When I ask him now, he simply smiles, taps his nose with his finger, and says nothing.
I first found out about Joseph's decision to leave TheCommentary.ca about a week ago, over a few drinks at the local juke downtown. I was guzzling a jug of beer, and he was sipping from a small glass of Scotch, when he suddenly wiped a single tear from his eye and said: "Brian, I've decided to leave TheCommentary.ca. I've just signed a two-book deal with Simon and Schuster, and I want to devote all of time to my first book. Believe me, I've thought long and hard about this, and I just think it's too time-consuming trying to work on my book while penning articles for the website."
It may have just been the beer, but I fell out of my seat. "You can't be serious!" I said, after getting back up. "The site needs you! You ARE TheCommentary.ca!"
He shook his head sadly and replied, "I feel terrible about this, but in my heart, I know I'm making the right decision. I've already talked to Vishal about this, and we've decided that the site can continue as long as we get someone sufficiently competent to take over. We thought about asking Mike Kwan, but he already has a website, so it seems pointless to burden him with another. You're my second choice, Brian. You've always been a regular supporter of the site, and your articles always provoke strange and disturbing reactions from readers I didn't even know I had. Are you interested?"
Me? Plain ol' Brian? I was flabbergasted. "And supposing I turn the site into a pornographic haven?" I asked him. I giggled like a schoolgirl and took a swig of beer.
'That's your prerogative," he said. I eyed him carefully. Sweet mother of pearl! He was serious!
I giggled again- I was drunk- and blathered, "All rightey Joe, I must carefully and cheerfully accept your unusual proposition. I hope you know what you're doing."
He smiled, tapped his nose, and said nothing.
Yes, I am taking over. To some this will be a relief - Joseph was known to be a tyrant when he wanted to push his fellow columnists. Others will miss Joseph's delightful little excursions into the world of sex, scandal, and politics. I have no intention of trying to follow the work he has done. Over the next few months, I intend to take this website in a whole new direction. Unfortunately- yes, there's always bad news- I've had to make some layoffs. Having reviewed all of the previous work done on the site, I've decided that the following staff members are no longer necessary:
1) Vishal Dhir. I will personally handle all website maintenance from now on.
2) Ritchie Leung. All PR work will be shared by the remaining staff.
3) Babak Khorram. There have been many complaints that his column "Khorram Country" was too difficult to follow.
4) May Chan. Since the initial launch of her advice column, divorce and suicide rates have increased significantly.
5) Brendan Newton. Since writing his first article, he has disappeared and is presumed dead. There is no sense in keeping space on the site for him.
6) Marlon Richmond. His reviews have incited far too much criticism from authors and actors who were insulted by his words. We don't need the negative publicity.
7) Helen Wang. The enduring popularity of her delightful piece on the spaghetti westerns of Sergio Leone has rendered all future contributions superfluous.
The following new columns will soon be a part of the website:
1) "Kwan Kountry." A diary written by Mike Kwan about his zany adventures in UBC's Faculty of Arts.
2) "Everyone Loves Eugene." Eugene Lee describes the problems in his life and invites readers to help solve them.
3) "Talking to Pete." Mysterious writer Pretentious Pete discusses his life as a serial killer working for the mob.
4) "Is There a Doctor in the House?" CTV's popular Dr. Rhonda Low writes a bi-weekly article on medical misconceptions by the public.
5) "The Able-Bodied Curmudgeon." Mean-spirited thespian Caspian Velmont finds pretentious blogs on the web and relentlessly mocks them.
I am currently looking for someone who can pen a new dance column entitled "Two to Tango," and someone who is willing to take snapshots for a photo gallery featuring photos of elephants and exotic birds. If you think you have what it takes to be a contributing member of this site, send me an e-mail! My address is indicated below. I wish I could say that all of these changes were based on an extensive analysis of comments left by readers. They aren't. I think I may have been drunk or high on magic markers when I made some of them. No matter. I stand by what I've done and truly believe that they will make TheCommentary.ca a better website. I encourage you to write in if you have ideas on what I can do with TheCommentary.ca. Joseph was notorious for making everyone do things his way, but I'll try to be more flexible. I intend to take any suggestions by my readers into consideration.
Joseph Planta is gone and won't be coming back. With pangs of sadness deep within our bosoms, we carefully wipe away the deep droplets of water tumbling from our eyes, and we slowly but gracefully turn our heads to the darkness and - ah, hell, what am I saying? The Boss is gone! Come on everyone, let's party!
Here's to the future!
Brian Nguyen.
Editor of TheCommentary.ca
E-mail: thecommentary@thecommentary.ca
- 30 -
Questions and comments may be sent to: editor@thecommentary.ca
An archive of Joseph Planta's previous columns can be found by clicking HERE .