Tuesday, May 6, 2003
I hate this book - THE COMMENTARY
By Joseph Planta
VANCOUVER – I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide to Life is a new book by Jimmy Fallon and his sister Gloria Fallon. It's actually not a new book. It was published in 1999, but I only got my hands on a copy to review recently. It's a small book, that's a funny one. The prologue asks: "Are you sick of reading those meditational self-help books that are supposed to win you friends, give you inner peace, and make you rich?" Well, if you answer yes, then this book is for you. This book, provides affirmations that you can read at least once a day, ready to destroy any illusions you may have about life.
For example: "If you were thinking of leaving the house: This is okay, just remember that you will most likely run into people you don't want to talk to, and also there is more of a chance that you can get killed." Not convinced? "If you were thinking of going to the wedding, you were invited to: Just send a card with money, that's all they really wanted anyway."
I Hate This Place is a book for the jaded and cynical. It should be their bible. It's also a funny book, that's good for a chuckle or two. I'm sure the siblings Fallon, will want you to keep the book near the toilet, ready to read whilst sitting on the john.
Some more snatches: "If you were thinking of going to the laundromat to meet people: just say you luck out and meet someone that's interested in you, do you really want to be with a person who can't afford a washer and dryer?"
The siblings Fallon come from somewhat unoriginal parents. Mum and Dad Fallon's first names are Jim and Gloria. They name their kids Jimmy and Gloria. The senior Gloria's mum, her name was Gloria too. It is to her this book is dedicated, "who after reading the first manuscript said, ‘This book stinks.'"
Did you know that when people say, "Hey, we'll get together," they really mean, "I hope I never run into you again?" How about if you wake up and stare at the ceiling and think, "Man, I wish it was tomorrow." You know what that means? You're a bonafide pessimist.
When the book came out in 1999, Jimmy Fallon was still a featured player amongst the merry band of not-ready-for-prime-time players at the venerable Saturday Night Live. Gloria Fallon, whilst her brother is a practising comic, is a practising writer. This book is a terrific meld of both's burgeoning talents.
I like the last section in the back where they list clichés and optimistic advice and the sort, which people should never follow. Here goes:
Live Each Day As If It Were You Last: "So you want me to lie around in a hospital bed with an IV and an oxygen tank? My last day's going to be bad enough without rehashing it day after day!"
Keep Your Chin Up: "Why – so that everyone can look up your nose?"
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned: "Pennies are worthless."
"Apathy is the highest virtue."
"If I keep my mouth shut, things will go a lot smoother."
"Another day, another sixty-eight cents."
"Life: Live it, you don't have a choice anyway."
The book is great fun. Actually, in the spirit of the book, I should say it's depressing and painstakingly dull – the story of all of our lives. The closing note thanks the reader for purchasing and reading the book. However, they expect that most have either gotten the book as a gift, or merely stole it. The siblings Fallon are talented writers. Young Jimmy is a talent on SNL, and I can't wait to read whatever Young Gloria is working on now. And another thing: Don't bother reaching for the stars. Why? You'll look like an idiot, stretching life that. Oh so true, no?
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OVERHEARD the other day were two Native Indians on the bus. One says to the other: "Do you ever wonder why Indians have high cheek bones? Because the cheque's in the mail."
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An archive of Joseph Planta's previous columns can be found by clicking HERE .