Monday, May 7, 2001
Jokes, blokes and Gallery guests - THE COMMENTARY
By Joseph Planta
VANCOUVER -- The demimonde of Ottawa’s social and political circles gathered in a ballroom at the National Arts Centre on Saturday night. The occasion was the well-publicised annual Parliamentary Press Gallery Dinner. However, judging from the local paper here (The Vancouver Province) as well as a check on the news wires, the event looks to be a non-event. (This considering that the two national papers, don’t publish on Sunday.)
The guest list was eclectic. Tickets to the event were doled among the press corps membership, giving them four a piece. The politicians snuck in with the press people, thus the impressive list of guests that broke bread at the premiere gala in the land.
The reason it’s all so special is the fact that the politicians are subject to making fun of themselves in the name of self-depreciation. It’s the gallery’s night and the politicians that get trashed so during the year, stoke the fire themselves this holy night for journos.
The dinner itself is the regular cardboard chicken or fish, but the speeches afterward are all the talk in gossip circles and popular Canadian political lore. Purists like to keep the evening off the record, but this year was the second time that the public was privy to the scathing humour and wicked sense of lightness amongst our elected and not-so elected guardians of the trust.
One such dinner in the ‘70s, when it was off the record, had a drunken Larry Zolf approach Prime Minister Trudeau with: “Who the fuck are you anyway?”
Trudeau in his humble arrogance retorted to the hackles of those assembled: “Why, I’m Pierre Elliott Trudeau!”
Well, Saturday night’s festivities were hosted by Dan Dugas, the dulcet voiced Broadcast News reporter. He had some witty lines as his introduced the politicians. Her Excellency, the Right Honourable Adrienne Clarkson is away on her jaunt to Latin America, thus she sent her regrets via a film that was shown to those gathered. If you’ll recall, former President Bill Clinton made his own parody for the correspondents dinner a year ago. The Vice-Regal made her own, which was rather humorous. It showed the G-G calling her famous friends in a posh office at Rideau Hall. Adorned in an obviously fake tiara and sporting lollipop rings, she’s dressed to the high in a bathrobe of sorts. It’s sort of the last shot at press people who criticised her black “washerwoman” attire when doing the Governor General’s job. A parting shot has her in an actual bathrobe furnished on her by a butler, as she prepares to vacuum her office floor. She claims her work never ends, summoning John (Ralston Saul, her hubby) to the local hardware outlet to buy carpet stain remover.
Jean Chrétien then rose and made some funny jokes. (At lunch yesterday, recounting that the PM was actually funny, a friend chirped that it’s probably because of the way he talks.) He made pot shots at departed Quebec premier Lucien Bouchard and current premier ministre in QC, Bernard Landry. Chrétien says he was moved to tears when Landry was installed Premier, simulating those tears while wiping with a handkerchief that resembled a Canadian flag.
He chided Joe Clark on being the illegitimate son of John Diefenbaker. And that the Alliance was known in Ottawa as “Fight Club.” He mentioned a certain meeting that took place recently, where a large fence was erected and that tear gas and pepper spray were employed by the RCMP. The Summit of the Americas? No, no, a recent gathering of the Liberal Party’s National Executive. Even the PM shared in the laughter.
While mentioning his PR success with the Summit of the Americas, the PM stops short on mentioning NDP MP Svend Robinson’s pants, citing that the event was being televised. He tried to appease Stockwell Day’s caucus troubles by wishing Stock the same success with Art Hanger that he had with John Nunziata. Oh and a shot was taken at the defeated maverick MP.
Upon introducing the next speaker, Dugas spouted that Ottawa was a dog eat dog world and that Stockwell Day was wearing Milkbone underwear and that following Chrétien, Day had at least eight-hundred thousand reasons to be equally as good. (By the way, following really boring performances in year’s past, Bloc Quebecois leader Giles Duceppe sent his regrets.)
Day opened with, “It’s a real honour to be here tonight, and I mean that sincerely.” He made mention of his communications director Ezra Levant and took pot shots at him and Deb Grey. Ms. Grey is the grand-mere of the Alliance party, according to Day. Generally, as the PM bulldozed his way through his remarks, Day ever the articulate speaker was subdued. The crisis over the Alliance resignations has dogged him, but didn’t deter him from poking fun.
He mentioned his fracas over bringing a sign to the leader’s debate of the last election, with a promise on Saturday night, on a sign of course -- “NO SIGNS.” And another, “OOPS, SORRY!” which he says he’ll have ready for the next crisis management press conference.
Alexa McDonough was next with a slide show featuring shots of her exploits at the Quebec City summit. She wasn’t as funny or as enthusiastically received as Joe Clark who came on stage donning a trench coat and dark glasses, a direct shot at the Alliance’s troubles with a detective. He pulled out a hand written “law degree” that he claims was arranged by him and his “law school” during a span of nine-years, which was of course, a shot at the Prime Minister. He went at humour’s length to talk about his “charisma.”
It was a fun evening, and with a little spade work, I managed to figure out who went with whom. The National Post’s Paul Wells took as his date, the Tories’ campaign honcho Stacey Grey. Sheldon Alberts of the Post took Preston Manning, while Mrs. Manning went as the guest of CTV’s Tracey Wright. The Globe and Mail’s Hugh Windsor invited Commons Speaker Peter Milliken, while CTV’s Craig Oliver squired Sheila Copps and his boss Trina McQueen.
Health Minister Allan Rock was spotted with CTV’s Roger Smith, while CPAC’s Sophie Nadeau brought along rising star and -- according to the Hill Times, the parliament’s inside paper -- sexiest MP, Peter McKay. Martin Stringer of CPAC took the second sexiest dame in the Commons, Bloc MP Carolyn St-Hilliare.
Stockwell Day was the guest of the Toronto Star’s Tim Harper, while the glamorous Catherine Clark went with Sun Media’s Mark Dunn. CTV NewsNet’s Lisa Laflamme brought along Industry Minister Brian Tobin, while Sun Media’s David Gamble tagged Rahim Jaffer along. (Mr. Jaffer, by the way, was voted in that same Hill Times poll, as the MP with the ‘Hippest Hair.’)
The Toronto Star table was the most eclectic by far. Their beaters had Stockwell Day, former general Romeo Dallaire, astronaut Julie Payette and provincial Liberal leaders, Jean Charest and Dalton McGuinty, of Quebec and Ontario respectively.
From the parts that I was privy to, it proved a humorous night and a well-deserved classy night of fun for those who are so (or nearly so) serious the rest of the year. Cheers.
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