15 December 1999
Depression - THE COMMENTARY
By Joseph Planta
VANCOUVER - Depresion is rightfully making its presence felt. Its a terrible condition, but thankfully its not in the closet anymore and people are going public with it. Rafe Mair, Marie Osmond, Rod Steiger; are just three prominent names who’ve admitted to suffering this. There are more, but on a recent Larry King Live, Steiger read this following piece. In it he dmonstrates exzctly what goes through one’s mind...
"I want to die. I don't want to move. I have no feeling for movement. I want to be left alone to disappear, not to be bothered with washing, shaving, talking, walking, going to the bathroom, just get out of this tunnel. The heavy darkness: cold, oily, constant pressing against my brain, beginning to feel the way the scum-greased tallow pushes against your sides crushing you, you dead-eyed, gray- faced, unshaven, dirty of body, empty of mind.
"Acting -- what is so important about acting? The paralyzing fear of not remembering lines, projections, images, visions of failure. And they're watching. They're watching -- they're watching. I can feel their eyes all over my body. I can feel their eyes all over my skin, and they're watching me. The crew is watching, 30 of them, the director, the partner on the scene is watching. The rat in the studio is watching. I won't be able to do it. I won't be able to remember. They're going to discover I am inadequate and unable."
"I must not scream. I must not scream in front of them. I must stay. I must not listen to my mind. I must not run off the set. I must not run. I must not run! I know -- I know I'll break down. They'll find out I am weak. They'll find out I'm in pain. Oh, God! What God? I will break down, look like fool, an idiot. They'll find out I can't act! Can't act! Can't act at all!
"End of the vision -- well, there must be a way out, and my mind is telling me there's a way out. You get a nice, cool gun..."
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